This comes at a time when things have been so difficult at home. I’m finally seeing the effects that my second born is having on my first-born. I never realised it happens gradually (or that it could). Usually, with Jana, she either loves something or completely rejects it. Throughout my pregnancy she waited ever so patiently, talked kindly to my belly and even thought up names she wanted to call her baby sister. She loved looking at baby toys and talking endlessly about all the things she could do to help me out. What we both didn’t realise was, in the process of doing everything for baby, who would be helping Jana out? Sure we got dad to help, but her overly emotional and highly sensitive state of mind doesn’t allow for anyone other than mummy to be there to comfort her. We’re in a struggle to find the balance with each other. What’s scary is that the more time I spend away from her, the more I see myself in her! (not in a good way! more like shutting down and retreating from the world kind of way)
I’ve spent a long time trying to teach her the things that I find difficult to do; regulate my emotions properly, my anxieties, my fear of speaking to people, perfecting whatever I’m doing or not even trying at all. I want her to be able to try everything even if that means she fails and make lots of mistakes. It’s so important to make mistakes. My parents provided so much for us but just the fact there were three of us under 3 must have been a major strain on them. Also the fact that they lived so far away from family (no FaceTime in those days either!) it was challenging for my 22-year-old mother. Making mistakes was not an option. When we did make a mistake, it was not well received and let’s be honest, it’s not easy to keep your cool when you have a million things to do, trying to rush to make it to school on time when suddenly your toddler spills milk all over. At that time, I’m fighting with myself to let it go but I struggle. I find myself breaking down more often than Id like. For all the times I was too harsh, wasn’t there for her, couldn’t explain a situation properly. These are all missed opportunities and I find I haven’t recovered from the trauma of the last missed opportunity when another arises and I miss that too! It’s a very unhealthy circle Im in right now.
This is my outlet. I needed to let it out here because I’m able to use a handful of words to explain how I feel when in reality these feelings are the hardest for me to put into words.
What I’m gradually (trying) doing now, is to allow everything to flow and take its course. I’m trying to loosen up, try to find the joy in all the chaos that I’m surrounded by. I’m trying to be grateful for this beautiful little piece of heaven that I’ve been blessed with and allowing myself to have some fun instead of being caught up on why there are drawings (with permanent marker) on the wall. We are leaving that kind of discipline for another day. Right now we’re going to just be with each other.